First of all, sorry for the lack of posts these past week but I’ve been very busy with school homework and projects and events and etc. I literally need to start scheduling my writing time because right now my life is this big pile of mess.
Anyway, today I was feeling like talking about love. Again. I have always been very mesmerized with the way love works and spread around and how love can basically made someone feels so alive and happy and vice versa.
I’ve been this one girl who always have been falling for people and ended up breaking my own heart because back then almost all of them chose someone else other than me. Other pretty girls.
The other day I was looking back through my old diary books since fourth grade and I read how much names I’ve been writing about my whole life, which I didn’t even remember now, and it surprises me so much to see that almost all those ‘love-ish stories’ always ended up the same.
Me, broken, jealous, comparing myself to the other girl, and then having this insecurities growing up in my lungs. The next week, I would start to wrote about different guy, and the cycle repeats through-out elementary years.
I thought, maybe that was also the reason why did I used to be this negative girls who liked to put others down for no reason. Maybe it was because I was insecure about my self. I thought I was somehow less than them. Less prettier. Less smart.
The first year of junior high was probably the start point where everything started to changed. So, yeah, a boy did liked me. Finally. I was like “wait what what” but anyway we made it for straight 8 months and I literally killed almost all my insecurities because I knew that someone was going to care about me no matter how cringy I was sometimes.
I guess when I was in the relationship, I started to realized that, hey, am I actually in love with this guy, or it was the attention that I had always been craving for? Because now, I am deeply in love with myself and I didn’t want to take him for granted.
There were more guys to come after it, and obviously I broke my heart, again, and again. But in the process of it, I learned that the first step to do to feel love is to friggin’ love myself.
And when I started to love myself, I would start to appreciate myself and respect myself and I will know how to respect other people and love them and spread happiness to people around me.
When I finally know my self-worth, I don’t fall easily for random guys I met anymore. Admiring, well, yes, if they have good looks or personality. But I know what I deserve to have and I stopped running for people who doesn’t even care about me.
Be that independent ass woman who was not afraid to walk alone while everybody was running after their love that doesn’t even care about them. I stop wasting my time and start to use it to grow myself.
I read more, I fill in my journal, make poems and quotes, write stories, applying to schools that I want to go to, instead of wasting tears and filling my social media with sad and depressing quotes, but instead watching girl empowerment videos and learn more.
Yes, I am still looking for my life partner, obviously. But I am not looking for a partner to complete me. Or to make me feel loved. I am completed within myself. I want to have a partner that can support me, as well as I will support him, and with him, both of us can grow towards the better.
So, yeah, after all, being an independent ass doesn’t mean I don’t need anyone for the rest of my life and I don’t need any support. Being and independent ass means you are strong enough to run and chase your dreams and passion while waiting for that person who are not there to help you feel completed, but to be your partner in the future, achieving big things together.
With all the girl power love,