sick of losing

I am doing my school assignments when this thoughts came across my head and then in split second, here I am, typing it out to this blog. New blog entry, finally. I then realized that this thought have been going around me for some time now.

I have a friend. Well, we used to be, friends. Very closed ones. I guess only few people have been that close to me as friends, and as long as I know, even fewer who I never end up fell for. Especially because he is a guy. Man, I barely have that kind of close guy friends in my life.

The kind who was just easy to discuss things with, get all my old and stupid jokes (and let me tell you its not even dirty jokes), and is actually very very nice. He was my go to, my biggest competitor in almost every test we have in class, my mate, pain in the ass. Sometimes he can be annoying too though. Let’s be real, I know for sure a lot of girls will want to be in my position at that time. I’ve even felt like some of those girls are jealous because, oh hell yeah, I can surely feel the burn.

But anyway, we have been close that way for almost a year. It all started from a fight, a fight that I might probably never forget my whole life, because looking back now it was probably one of the stupidest fight I ever got myself into. And the topic was not even that important. He was the one who decided to hit me up back then, and starting this stupid debate over this thing, ended up pissing me off, and then we got closer because of it.

I have had a lot of guy friends my whole life, the kind that I go to small music festivals with, or the one who made up dirty jokes about the girls in our school, or the kind that breaks a lot of girls heart. But this guy, is probably a character in which most parents wants their daughter to marry.

He was simply nice, very very good looking, well behaved. Anything good you’re looking for, he has it. And somehow, because then I get close to him and know most things about him, even the bad ones, I never actually fall for him. I admire him, his personality, but to have him as my boyfriend, I don’t ever consider that. 

Maybe that also why I didn’t notice when he started to act differently or else because to me it was the things that best friends do. We play, we help each other out, we joke around, we laugh. None of those memories actually have any hints about any hidden feelings.

And then  when one day, he said that he did like me. The first time I read his message, it felt like, wow that made everything so clear. Things started to fall into places and I was like, wow I didn’t know you fell for me. Can’t even imagine someone like him to fall for someone like me.

And of course, because to me he has always been my best friend, I said that to him. That we can still be friends, but probably not more than that. Not now, not like this. And I felt so bad for some time after that because I knew so well how bad does it feel to fall for someone who doesn’t like you back.

But you can’t blame someone for not loving someone else, right?

Ever since I learned to love myself and appreciating myself, I find it harder to fall for someone else. Because I used to fall for any guy who made me happy, but this time I was about all into myself. And when I reach that point, I am not wasting my time with people who doesn’t want me. I am done fighting for those who are no worth the pain.

The next thing I knew, we drifted apart. Mainly it was my fault though, because I was later on pissed to found that he had been talking about me to my friend (which then told me about it), telling her about how I always fell for the wrong people but took him, for granted. And getting mad because I’ve been ‘acting’ as if I liked him back. It literally blew me off because I feel like all this time I like you as friends and if by being nice to him made him fall for me and then blaming me for that feeling, then fine I am not going to be nice anymore.

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I felt like when I said that I didn’t feel things the way he did. He was all broken, and even after now, some of my friends keep telling me about how he was doing and he was not doing good. Its like he has been attached to me way too long, and he doesn’t really now how to function normally just like he did before he know me.

Thats also one of the reason why I can’t like him, other than some others that are just secrets. He tends (or atleast what I feel like) to look up to someone and then look at himself less than who he actually is. And it pisses me of because he is admiring me and it makes him looking at himself as not enough.

It made me feel sad because all of us should be able to be confident with ourselves and if you fall for someone and then being more insecure about yourself, what is the point then? Aren’t relationship suppose to make you stronger, more independent, loved, and confident? It is about being positive and supportive, right? It was certainly not to make you feel less of who you are.

We stopped talking since then, and now I’ve been surviving almost a month of school without talking to him. Sounds sad? Yes, it is. It haaard to look at someone you used to be closed to but like not being able to talk to them. I told him that we can still be friends, but then maybe he doesn’t want to be close to me anymore, because he never did try to talk to me. I guess I will just have to give him some space to think and move on.

I’ve been listening to dodie a lot more lately, and this song, which the title was pretty much a coincidence, have been on repeat. (I started to change my jam though, but this is still one of the best from her.)

Oh, and also this!

Both of them are very good though, but make sure you pay great attention to the songs because the lyrics are just THE BOMB. I can literally relate to most of the lines hell yeas.

I hope he is feeling and getting better. It’s just sad to see someone being sad because of you, ya feel me. And you can’t do anything about it because that person is distancing himself from you.

I hope you are happier. Take care, take care.

 

adel.

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