the power of love and healing

here is a note i made in the Evernote app on February 11st 2017, in the middle of a  very hectic tradfic on a very busy weekend. i have had this thought for a long time and im so glad that i finally got to write it down. i wrote this exactly the same as how i felt back then, with only a little bit of grammar and typo edits here and there.

i fell for people all the time. thats just the type of person i am. i found beauty in everyone, even those who might not deserve it. i admire the little things about them. that was not because falling in love is easy for me, its hard, very hard, but once i fall, i fall hard too. i dont think i ever comeback to the person i was before the fall. it just, changed me.

as someone who likes to write, i dedicate my writing to people. a lot of them. the one who have hurt me, who made me happy, who taught me things. they were all my muse, just like the poet whom i admire, @duwanx, said.

this one was for him, who once was somone special in my life. he used to be. not anymore though. we were not lovers, we are just some strangers with memories, each of us trying to heal ourselves with smiles and pretend. i hope he will feel better soon. because i do now. i hope we can be friends again. i hope he understands that the only way to move on is forgiveness and love. i hope he finds love anytime soon.

i hope he knows that lying might be the easiest way to tell your friends that you moved on, but he certainly can not ever lie to himself. i hope he finds peace and realizes that here i am, all happy and healed, my broken pieces stitched together. i hope he learns that its okay to be sad, to have scars and bruises.

after all, we deserve second chances, dont we?

vår historie var veldig vakker.

moved-on-m-m-weij

a lot of people might not realize this, and might think that im weird in someway, but i think theyve been doing what theyre doing in a very wrong way.

as humans we always wants the person who break us to be broken in the same way. harder, even. we want to assure ourself that we are not the only one who still thinks about them and misses them and secretly wanting to be with them.

some people hate, in order to keep and cover their real feelings. we act like everything is okay, like we actually dont miss that person anymore. we think that by doing that, he is going to regret everything that he did in the past and come running back for us.

its crazy, because when we think about it again, in the end we always cling to them. no matter how much weve said to everyone that we’ve moved on and that he deserves the pain of our absence, its seems hard to actually move on and stop thinking about them.

you know what? ive been there too. ive been in love with guys who dont love me back and then i got mad and thought that if that i actually just stop talking to them and pretend they didnt exist, i might one day just get over my own feelings and continue living my life.

but it didnt work. love, and healing, dont work that way. you dont forget about someone or their memories with you while hating them. love and healing dont go the same way with pain and rage. because when you actually hate them, you think about them more and you will have them in your head for a longer period of time.

if you want to move on, you want to make peace with your past and the people that might have hurt you, or put you down, is too first build back the relation.

forgive yourself. stop blaming yourself for every loss and heartbreaks. sometimes it’s not your fault. we are all humans and we make mistakes at some point of our life and we fuck things up and we create mess but thats how we learn. thats our way of getting better, of growing into a better version of ourselves.

forgive others. especially those who hurt you. forgive, and always forgive, because of the same reason, we are all making mistakes. we have to understand that in the end, all of us only want the same thing; we want to be happy.

and as hard and sad it feels, sometimes in order to be happy, some people might hurt the others. that doesnt mean hurting others is a right thing to do, though. what i mean is, sometimes you fall for someone. but that person likes someone else, because he/she make them happier. then let it be.

when we love something, we dont possess it. we let it grow. we want it to be happy.

understand that everyone only tries to be happy and find their definition of happiness on their own way. thats the essential of our life; we suffer and survive. we learn, make mistakes, got hurt, then we carry on.

when you are in peace with yourself and those who hurt you, eventually you will stop feeling sad and all broken. your heart will start to heal yourself day by day and at times you will heal your cuts and bruises.

dont even think about the revenge, honey. because forgiving means you are strong enough to take the knife from your back and not putting it into the back of others, even those who hurt you. it was a quote I found years ago, and i forgot who wrote it, but it still resonates in my mind.

when i fell for someone almost two years ago, and found out that he didnt love me the way i did, i was burning in this unhappy flames of jealousy. i didnt want to tell my friends that i liked him and have any feelings for him. i pretend that he didnt exist and we practically ignore each other for a solid two years.

then i got tired. because im lying to my friends, not only to them, but also to myself. i lie to my heart that i moved on, even though deep down i still miss him. so. much. and im getting even angrier because im not actually moving on from him.

so thats why i started to learn to love myself. to forgive me, accepting the fact that yes, i liked him back then, and it was such a fool of me to fall for him, but i have to admit, his charm did made me happy once. and after im done with forgiving myself, stop wondering if i made any mistake, i started to forgive him.

i forgive him for leaving me, for giving me high hopes, for all the stupid lovey dovey text messages. i forgive him for then flirting with my friends and i forgive him for stop talking to me at all.

when i was through with all that, i moved on damn so fast. in total, it took me almost 7 months to move on from a 2 weeks old of stupid love experience with him. i no longer feel my heartbeat beating fast when im around him or his friends. i no longer care about what he is doing, hows his day, and so on and so on.

i stopped seeking for any revenge with him. i just dont think about him anymore. i move on with my life, growing and spending my time in more effective way than just thinking about him, who didnt even care.

almost a week a go, i heard some stories about him. he was, surprisingly, still haven’t got over me. he still asks about me to his friends who are my classmates. he still listens to sad and heartbreak songs. just like what i used to do.

and now, in a situation I used to be imagining and wanting to happen when he left, is now a reality. and i dont feel happy. i feel sad for him. because all this time he had been close with a lot of girls, pretending like he is okay, but deep down he only uses them as a media to probably, lie. lie to the others and most importantly himself.

we are going to the same high school, so i hope we will have an opportunity to be friends again and make up for whats left broken.

things will fall into place. slowly, but surely. always remember that it doesnt matter wether you win or you lose, in the end its all about how you actually deal and cope with it.

the key to being happy and to move on is never to hate. its is forgiveness

adel.

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2 thoughts on “the power of love and healing

  1. Thank you for sharing your story here. This is very impressive writing. I’m sorry my reply was delayed, I was busy. I also wanted time to think about your thinking, to think about the honesty you showed in sharing your fears and feelings and to think about how to respond.
    I know very little about Indonesian writing (Kartini’s letters are about the limit!) but I encourage you to explore the thoughts of others who have experienced these feelings and written about them, whether in Indonesian, English or other languages/cultures.
    I suggest that not for your learnng, but for your enjoyment as you see how they have expressed the very same thoughts you are experiencing in some of the world’s greatest literature.
    Thank you again for sharing. Take care.
    David

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey David! Its so good to see you back in my notifications! Yes, it took sometime for me to finally be able to open up about this kind of thing, you know, experiences in life. Even though I know for sure that everyone must have been going through the same thing, over and over again. I hope that by sharing mine, it will make people realize that they are not alone and all the wounds will one day be healed and everything will be okay.
      There are more poets and poems who I discover lately, along with their underrated talents, and from their hands they write the best words ever. The kind that maybe I will never be able to write.
      But yeah, I will make sure to catch up on more of those inspiring people! Probably even talk about some in my future posts!
      Take care you too!

      Like

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